The ‘last half a stone’ – 22.05.13 – by Carla Buckley

The last half a stone – 22.05.13 – by Carla Buckley

This is a diet I have been on for at least fourteen years and I still haven’t mastered it. I can of course shift it when I’m really focused but it never stays off.

Gone are the days of having loads of weight to lose and it coming off regularly (and yes I am aware of the little voice in my head telling me to get a life!); those days when a couple of lbs slipped off every week giving me something to celebrate, they are now replaced with a stubborn, magically reappearing last half stone. Like a loyal friend that sticks around and refuses to give you up – hell it’s starting to sound more like stalking. I’m been stalked by my last half a stone. That shape shifting blob is attached to my body and clings on for dear tangible existence around my pear shape middle.

Most women in my position will understand the significance of the last half a stone. Once it is achieved and kept off – forever (may I add) – you then become the master of your body. Life becomes easy, I am sure of that. I can’t verify that information as I’ve never kept off the LHAS (last half a stone) for long enough. Clothes would become easy, you would not need separate wardrobal (yes a made up word) compartments for your thin clothes as well as your fat clothes and of course all your in between sized clothes. Not to mention, the bra and shoe issues with weight change. Life would be cheaper, always lots of clothes in your size to wear.

Or like me, do you have punishment clothes? Mine are a pair of grey trousers I wear to work. I wear them as a weight punishment with a promise to myself. Once I have lost the LHAS I can free myself from them – but I am only free for about six weeks a year following a gruelling diet plan that only releases my stalker fat at a very slow rate. So slow it occasionally goes backwards. Yes, only I could put weight on whilst following a calorie controlled diet at the same time as the eight hour diet whilst still eating only complex carbs and hardly any dairy.

LHAS sounds a bit like an abbreviation for L Has or Large ass. I’m off on a tangent – sorry.

Today? Yes you can ask. I weigh half a pound heavier than yesterday. Not a lot you may say and I agree, nothing to throw a tear filled tantrum over (I’m not confessing to that one). Yesterday I ate approximately 40g of fruit and fibre with a splash of almond milk. 2 slices of wholemeal bread with lettuce, low fat salad cream and turkey breast. 2 average potatoes chipped and oven baked with fry light and a poached egg and lastly a small handful of raisins. That all consumed in a strict 8 hour period rewarded me with a half lb gain. What is the answer? I don’t know. Today, I do the same and add in a work out.

I partly know my problem. I hate exercise. I’ve compiled a list for you.

I hate sport (watching and participating)
I hate swimming (getting wet, bored and potentially drinking other peoples urine and viruses)
I hate aerobics (Stupid comments shouted by presenters – “melt that fat” gets really annoying when you hear it every time you do a workout – I’m on the verge of assaulting my telly)
I hate jogging (Jiggly bits pounding pavements)
I hate table tennis or any other activity that can call itself exercise. I like walking though, I like it a lot but believe me, if I walk for miles; my weight remains unaffected. Apparently walking does not get me into the fat burning zone but I like it, I like it because it is purposeful, it can get me from A to B. But tonight I force myself in a bid to lose that stalker once and for all by partaking in some hideous exercise.

I wish I knew what is meant by ‘endorphin’, before you all shout “go and try exercising you lazy cow” at the screen I will defend myself. I have been a member of the gym (several times), I have tried jogging, I have even tried the Insanity workout and no – not one endorphin, not one happy hormone – so go take your shouting on a long walk in a very straight line.

Last thought of the day. Can I keep it up to keep it off? That infamous LHAS – hell no. I can keep it off for a few weeks but before I know it I will be pulling out the trusty grey trousers and welcoming back my loyal stalker. After all my LHAS must really love me to never give up on me. It is one of the constants in my life along with my wonderful, patient, fellow suffering Husband. Maybe I will celebrate it with a giant chewy cookie – double chocolate – yes please. When I have lost the LHAS!

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About Carla

Welcome to my blog. I write novels under the name of Carla Kovach. My other passion is filmmaking. My feature film 'Penny for the Guy' will be out next year. If you enjoy a bit of horror, look out for it. I'm on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn. Feel free to join me on other platforms. I blog about many random things but food and travel are my favourite subjects.
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